Emotional Blackmail describes the use of a system of threats and punishments on a person by someone close to them in an attempt to control their behaviors.

Emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten (either directly or indirectly) to punish us if we don’t do what they want. At the heart of any kind of blackmail is one basic threat, which can be expressed in many different ways: If you don’t behave the way I want you to, you will suffer.

In a nutshell, emotional blackmail takes the form “if you don’t do what I want then I will make you hurt”. In order for emotional blackmail to occur there must be 4 things present – a blackmailer, a victim a demand and a threat.

In order for emotional blackmail to occur, a blackmailer must be demanding something that the victim does not want to give them – otherwise there would be no conflict. So in order for there to be emotional blackmail there must be a conflicting interest between two parties.

In general the blackmailer is usually asking or demanding something which the victim regards as unreasonable. However, the level of unreasonableness can’t be so great that the blackmailer believes that they will never get what they want . In general the demand is for something that the victim is likely to give up if enough pressure is applied. For this reason emotional blackmail patterns are often cyclical – with both the blackmailer and the victim learning over time what level of demand will be tolerated without retribution and what degree of blackmail it takes for the victim to comply.

The blackmail may be a threat to hurt the victim directly, or more commonly will be a threat to hurt something or someone the victim cares about. This could take the form of damaging or destroying an object, an agreement, a relationship or a trust. This could include the blackmailer themselves – and so the blackmailer may threaten to hurt themselves to get what they want. A criminal blackmailer might threaten to use knowledge about a person’s past to ruin her reputation, or ask to be paid off in cash to hide a secret. Emotional blackmail hits closer to home.

Emotional blackmailers know how much we value our relationship with them. They know our vulnerabilities. Often they know our deepest secret. And no matter how much they care about us, when they fear they won’t go their way, they use this intimate knowledge to shape the threats that give them the payoff they want: our compliance. Knowing that we want love or approval, our blackmailers threaten to withhold it or take it away altogether, or make feel we must earn it. For example, if you pride yourself being generous and caring, the blackmailer might label you selfish or inconsiderate if you don’t accede to his wishes. If you value money and security, the blackmailer might attach conditions to providing them or threaten to take them away. And if you believe the blackmailer, you could fall into a pattern of letting him control your decisions and behavior. We get locked into a dance with blackmail, a dance with myriad steps, shapes and partners.

Although an emotional blackmailer is fighting for control over their victim, they often have little control over themselves. They may use dissociation to escape the guilt they would feel over the way the are treating another. They may feel desperate inside and justify their actions as a means to an end of soothing their own desperate internal pain. An emotional blackmailer is rarely cognizant of the extent of the hurt they are inflicting on their victim and ultimately on themselves or able and willing to “snap out of it” or see the error of their ways.

In order for emotional blackmail to work there has to be a willing victim – a person who is willing to sacrifice their principles, values, goals and boundaries to “keep the peace”, “turn the other cheek” and give in to the demands. Victims are often moralistic people, bridge builders – people who have compassion or pity on the blackmailer and are willing to go the extra mile for them. Victims may have low self esteem of their own and generally afraid to stand up for their own ideas and principles. They are caught in a vicious cycle as each time they yield something important to the abuser they suffer a loss of their own self-esteem and begin to fee more powerless, hopeless and trapped in their situation.

Examples of Emotional Blackmail:

  • If I ever see another man look at you I will kill him.
  • If you ever stop loving me I will kill myself.
  • I’ve already discussed this with our pastor/therapist/friends/family and they agree that you are being unreasonable.
  • I’m taking this vacation – with or without you.
  • Your family hate me. How can you say you love me and still be friends with them?
  • You’ve ruined my life and now you are trying to stop me from spending money to take care of myself.
  • I took the money because you always put yourself first and don’t seem to care about my needs.

What NOT to Do:

  • Don’t give in to or reward emotional blackmail demands or attempts.
  • Don’t stay in a situation where there is a threat or an action of violence towards yourself or others.
  • Don’t allow yourself to be blamed for somebody else’s bad behaviors or poor personal choices.

What TO Do:

  • Recognize the characteristic of emotional blackmail and understand that to give in to the demands of a blackmailer is only going to make the situation worse.
  • Recognize that you can’t love someone else more by hurting yourself and that no-one who truly loves you will threaten or expect that of you.
  • Recognize that the emotional blackmailer is not like you and is unlikely to respond well to reason, arguments or attempts at counter-manipulation.
  • Work on your own personal boundaries and be willing to defend them.
  • Remove one of the 4 components of emotional blackmailer – the blackmailer, the victim (you) the threat or the demand. Since you can’t control the other person that usually means you have to detach yourself from them enough to protect yourself, your children and the resources and relationships that are precious to you. Then allow the blackmailer back in only to the extent that they cannot threaten or destroy what matters to you most.
  • Call the authorities if there are any threats or actions of violence.

Emotional blackmailers hate to lose. They take the old adage “It doesn’t matter if you win or lose, it’s how you play the game”, and turn it on its head to read “It doesn’t matter how you play the game as long as you do not lose.” To an emotional blackmailer, keeping your trust doesn’t count, respecting your feelings doesn’t count, being fair doesn’t count. The ground rules that allow for healthy give-and-take go out the window. In the midst of what we thought was a solid relationship it’s as though someone yelled “Everyone for himself!” and the other person lumped to take advantage of us while our guard was down. Why is winning so important to blackmailers, we ask ourselves. Why are they doing this to us? Why do they need to get their way so badly that they’ll punish us if they don’t?